My orchestra teacher who can’t see the hours of practice because of one nervous failure.
My teammates who couldn’t see my passion because I was a beginner.
My teachers who can’t see my struggling and determination because of my grades.
The adults who can’t see my wisdom because of my age.
My “friend” who couldn’t see my loyalty because I am introverted.
The world who doesn’t believe that I can make a difference.
Myself, who doubts in my abilities.
I’m here to prove all of those people WRONG!
Sometimes, I just get really angry. Like right now. I can feel the madness welling up in me, but I don’t like being mad, but I can’t help it, so I just get even more madder and upset. Angry emotions hurt my brain, they feel so … unworthy and powerful. I don’t want to spend my life mad or sad. It’s a choice to control one’s emotions. It’s a hard battle. Usually, when I’m mad, I won’t eat and go up to my room to sleep; sleeping is the mental release from the world. Unfortunately, that perfect world I visit when I sleep isn’t happening in real life and therefore waking up makes me very touchy and grouchy.
Back to the present, I was mad at something and sitting on my bed just steaming away. I messaged my venting-buddy, but he’s unavailable. Then I thought about Christian music. I didn’t think it would help, but I turned it on. Almost instantly, my anger seemed easier to handle. My anger is still there, and when the music stops, I don’t know what will happen, but right now, God is helping me control it. God is stronger than any of my problems. He can hold me up at my darkest moments, like He is doing right now. He’s the peace to my life. He’s the reason I can act strong. Act confident. Say I’m “fine”.
I’m about to go off to dance, which is a big stress-reliever too. I hope that when I come home, there will be some decent food in the kitchen, and I’ll be a lot cooler headed. Sigh.
Those three words sum up my whole day. It was a pretty bad one. Bad enough to go in the record books. Let’s start with my schedule. I woke at 5:30, went to school, came home, went directly to camp training, went directly to dance, came home at 9:45. I could seriously die right now. That’s part of the work overload and stress part of my day. The rest comes with the training. Background info is that I really don’t want to work for the camp. I tried it last year and basically hated it. I decided I would try it one more year. So the training went fine I guess, but towards the end, some things happened that I was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time. At the time I didn’t think it was fair that I shared the blame. Adding on to that, I was … very strongly recommended to change something about me. Basically ordered. One thing about me, I hate people telling me to change something about me. Whether my personality or clothing or whatnot, I do not peacefully take suggestions about me. So, I got fired up about that. I didn’t show it of course, but I started feeling like I did when I was done with my piano lessons last year. Those piano lessons led to suppressed anger, depression and many, many tears. So yeah, training isn’t fun and I do not like that camp. It just added to the stress.
But that’s just one side of my day. The other side contains forgiveness, understanding, growth. I thought and stewed over the “recommended change” and decided that it wasn’t as big as I was making it. It was just a suggestion and they weren’t really mad at me. I don’t think. And when I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got blamed, I guess I could have stepped in and done something. I totally don’t feel comfortable speaking out, especially in that sort of situation, but I still could have done something. I’ve gotten good at ignoring things. Like that or my feelings or sometimes God’s messages.
So after the bombshell of a training, I trooped off to dance where I hoped to have a relaxing time, but really I just tried to shovel energy into my motions from some energy pit inside of me that I didn’t have. I’m now home and typing this up. I’ve worked out my feelings and don’t really feel like I’ve been treated unfairly. They’ve been forgiven and I’ve learned a lesson. The work overload I know will get lighter as soon as I talk to God, and the stress is the same thing. He can come and lift my life off of my shoulders. Isn’t that amazing? He also answers questions. I have one now. I know I’m supposed to love everyone, including my enemies, but what if I find a Christian that I just really don’t like? I know the person is a Christian, but I just really don’t get along with them. Is that okay? Or should I try to be friends with everyone? I don’t think that is wise. But I’m not sure. Anyone know?
I love how God can relieve the stress on my shoulders by just letting me type a post. My troubles hopefully aren’t troubling my readers, but are instead making them have questions and learning from my mistakes, instead of theirs. If not, well, you don’t have to subscribe. As long as I trust in God; however, I know that I can live a fruitful life and be who He wants me to be.
My little sister is eleven years old. We don’t always get along (okay, we’re constantly fighting), but I still love her a lot. I’m also very protective of her. Even if I might not show it, some of the things that happen to her make me blow up inside from anger. Well, she gave us shocking news at the dinner table tonight. She told us that her best friend five doors down had slapped her three times on the bus. Three times. The whole family was stunned into silence. I asked her if it had been a playful tap, but she said no, it was a slap. That’s when my mama bear came out. I was so mad! It’s happened before where my little sister’s friends have taken advantage of her slight gullibility and made her do stuff she didn’t want to do. But a slap! I was red-hot, but I wasn’t sure what to do. I really couldn’t do anything. This is what I decided; if I ever catch the “friend” slapping my sister again, I’ll give a big dress down on how to treat my little sister.
But that got me thinking. How does the Bible say to handle these types of circumstances? In Genesis, it says, “Anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over.” Well, my little sister wasn’t killed and I don’t think anyone would appreciate it if I slapped the “friend” twenty-one times. In Proverbs 12:16 it says, “Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.” In Matthew 5:11, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.” And 1 Peter 3:9 says, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
So it sounds as if I want to do the wise thing, I should ignore the insult and repay the “friend” with a blessing. Even if it hurts my little sister? It doesn’t seem right that I let someone I love get beat up while I bless the bully. God helped Samson when he was being hurt and bullied to the extreme. Why can’t I? Is it God’s judgment only?
Here’s a thought. The “friend” isn’t exactly Christian. Is this blessing I’m supposed to give her the knowledge of Christ? That would solve the problem. I would be able to present Christ to her and if she believes, the conflict will hopefully stop. That’s the blessing God wants me to give the insultors and persecutors. The knowledge of Christ and an example of what Christ-followers look like. I would be satisfied with that.
So when someone insults me, I’ll remember to provide them with the blessing of knowledge of Christ and an example of how life is with Him. That way, I can turn my anger motivation into God’s will and help bring people to Christ. Kind of reminds me of Martin Luther King Jr. He did that I think.
with Abby 