Sometimes, I just get really angry. Like right now. I can feel the madness welling up in me, but I don’t like being mad, but I can’t help it, so I just get even more madder and upset. Angry emotions hurt my brain, they feel so … unworthy and powerful. I don’t want to spend my life mad or sad. It’s a choice to control one’s emotions. It’s a hard battle. Usually, when I’m mad, I won’t eat and go up to my room to sleep; sleeping is the mental release from the world. Unfortunately, that perfect world I visit when I sleep isn’t happening in real life and therefore waking up makes me very touchy and grouchy.
Back to the present, I was mad at something and sitting on my bed just steaming away. I messaged my venting-buddy, but he’s unavailable. Then I thought about Christian music. I didn’t think it would help, but I turned it on. Almost instantly, my anger seemed easier to handle. My anger is still there, and when the music stops, I don’t know what will happen, but right now, God is helping me control it. God is stronger than any of my problems. He can hold me up at my darkest moments, like He is doing right now. He’s the peace to my life. He’s the reason I can act strong. Act confident. Say I’m “fine”.
I’m about to go off to dance, which is a big stress-reliever too. I hope that when I come home, there will be some decent food in the kitchen, and I’ll be a lot cooler headed. Sigh.