My relationship with God right now is suffering. There, I said it. This thought has been running around my head for at least the past week, but it’s scared me so much that I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind. But tonight, the thought is scaring me so much that I decided it was tiem for me to address it. I’ve fallen from the path. This has happened before, but this time it feels worse. I don’t know how to get back on the path. I’m freaking out and really scared. I think the reason for all of this is how busy my mind has been. I’ve been consumed with the future. College, dreams, schoolwork, goals, deadlines, get togethers. I haven’t made time to spend time with God. Sure He’s been on my mind, but mostly as a feeling of discomfort because I’ve been neglectful. I’ve always had a hard time reading my Bible, but it’s been non-existant for the past month or so. I always say that I’m going to start reading my Bible, but it’s so much harder to go through with it. I’m struggling. I know I can get back up again, but right now, I’m just scared. I’m seen as a Christian, it’s how I’ve branded myself and I’m proud to have that brand, but sometimes I really wonder how much of a Christian I am. Yes I believe in Jesus, but I’m not that active in my faith. Sometimes I feel like I’m jsut a good person. Nothing more. I lack direction in my walk with Christ. I haven’t been challenged in my walk with God in over a year. As my pastor said this past Sunday, humans were made to always desire a challenge. Comfort creates discontentment. When I listen to or sing worship songs, they don’t mean anything to me. I sing the melodies and dance to the rhythms, but the songs have lost their meaning. Some songs still make me feel a little bit, but the rest are just good songs. That’s how I feel. I have a brand, but I don’t matter because I don’t mean anything. I go to church and walk away feeling empty. I listen to TobyMac and TenthAvenueNorth, and I feel empty. I go to school and have fun with friends and I feel empty. I pray, and I feel empty. I know he’s there, but that phrase has no truth to me. I’ve blinded myself to God’s glory. In the upcoming summer, I’m going to Haiti again. But as of right now I don’t feel comfortable going because I don’t want to go there to “find joy” and be filled up. I want to go there filled with the joy and love of the Holy Spirit so I can pour out God’s blessings onto others. I want to go to college firm in my faith, ready to spread His kindness. I don’t want to be searching for God while I’m searching for a foothold in my new life. That’s what scares me the most I think. I’m about to start a whole new portion of my life that is strange and potentially dangerous for my faith, and I don’t have a firm foundation. I’m afraid that if I go to college without a strong relationship with God, it’s all going to disappear. I feel alone. I feel ashamed for letting myself fall this far. I feel uncertain on how I’m ever going to get back on the path. I’m worried that I’ll lose what little joy and love and faith and happiness I have left. I am so scared.
As per usual, I do have a little bit of hope with my despair. Because I’ve blinded myself from seeing God in my life, and I’m not reading my Bible, I’m going to try and read stories from the Bible where God is present and His hand is obviously present. I started with Noah today, and I’m not sure if I’m going to read a story every day, every few days, or focus on one per week, but within these stories, I hope to begin to see how God is alive and present in my life. If I discover anything, I’ll be sure to post it on this blog. I started this blog to get out of my darkness and become closer to God. I think it’s time to go back to square one and try it again. I hope to become closer to God. If you would, please pray for me. I’m a teenage girl about to go to college and start a new life. I could really use some prayers.
Thanks for listening.