I Cried Tears of Sadness

Today was a meeting for my Leadership Group. I had told everyone I could come and was super excited: I love these meetings. Then, something got messed up in our scheduling, and I couldn’t go. I said it was fine, but as soon as I got back to my room, I realized that I wasn’t fine. That’s when I started sobbing. This wasn’t “I didn’t get my way sobbing”. Far from it. I had been so looking forward to going to this meeting because it doesn’t always happen and it’s my favorite afterschool activity right now. If I had to get rid of all but one of my activities, I would choose to keep this one. I really, really love going there and I love the people that go there. It’s a place where I truly belong, can truly be myself, can truly grow in Christ, and am truly supported by others. Obviously a big contrast from home. Another thing is, I never cry. Never. I don’t remember crying since I moved, which was over three years ago. I disciplined myself to not feel my emotions because in a tough world, emotions just get in the way. But I guess after a long, hard day with a four hour SOL, I just wasn’t up for the disappointment. It wasn’t just my heart that wanted to be at that meeting, literally, my soul wanted to be there too. There’s a small emptiness inside right now and I know why. I can’t fix anything, which I think is why I cried. I was helpless. I was weak and sobbing. And though they heard, nobody cared.


One thought on “I Cried Tears of Sadness

  1. notsosupergirl says:

    Dear Abby,

    I understand what you meant whenever you said, “I disciplined myself to not feel my emotions because in a tough world, emotions just get in the way”. I felt the same way for a long time. But, sadly, I’ve had to realize that while they seem to get in the way, emotions show you show much more about your heart and about what God is pinpointing in your life. Often times, it shows your where priorities are. Your biggest priorities cause the greatest disappointments. So crying around people, where people know you are crying, and letting them truly see what you feel, has been almost completely off the board.
    But you can only hold back emotions for so long. There’s a breaking point. A friend of mine described it as “you can only eat so many hotdogs before you hurl”. You can only swallow so many emotions before they come pouring out of you all at one time, usually at bad times. I have challenged myself, not to start crying in front of people or bluntly telling people how I feel, but not to keep stuffing my emotions inside myself. It’s so difficult to do, and for so long, it has been an automatic action. Hard, stressful days only make it worse.
    There was a reason beyond the fact that your mom didn’t want to take the time to bring you there. You may never know what that reason is, only God knows. I hope you know that people care. And I am absolutely positive that they will still care, even when you’re at your breaking point, even when things seem to fall apart, even when you’re helpless and weak, and even when you’re crying your heart out.
    Your blog has revealed to me the ways that people are struggling, whether it be your thought process about other people or something you are going through yourself. I hope that I have encouraged you through my comments because many of the places you are now, I have been or are currently in. I can’t believe how similar we are. You have been an encouragement to me in so many ways, thank you.

    Isaiah 40:29-31
    29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
    30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
    31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
    They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

    Praying for You,
    Mackenzie 🙂

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