This was supposed to be published yesterday, but God turned off the internet I think because He wanted me to think it all over. So here it is today instead:
I look in the mirror and ask myself, “Sure, that’s part of you, but where’s the rest of you? Where’s the scared little girl kept hidden? And why hasn’t she been given answers? Keeping that scared little girl reduced and hidden will only eat away at the inside. Sure everything looks okay on the outside. In fact, the outside looks better almost every single day. Even the outer layer of myself looks pretty good. But on the inner most layer is that little girl that is scared and lonely and fearful. And right now, that’s who I am.”
I’m scared. Nothing is happening really to make me scared, but I’m afraid that if I go with the flow and let things happen in the future that look like they might, I don’t know how to deal with it. And if I hold back and prevent those things from happening, I’ll be missing something. I’m just not strong enough. I’m not strong enough by myself and I’m not strong in my faith with God and without Him, I can’t do anything. Most of the time I’m fine. I’m full of life and taking everything in stride. But it’s moments like this when I’m facing reality and I know that I can’t do it. Sure, I’m a daughter of God and He can do anything, but it’s like asking a stranger for help. It’s like I don’t truly believe that He can help me. He’s shown me in the past that He’ll do anything for me. He’s shown me miracles. He’s been there in my darkest moments. But still strangers are we. I want to know Him. Truly know Him. I want a purpose that makes me be in His will every minute and every second of every day. I want to truly live my life for Him. But I don’t know how. There are bands and organizations that teenagers get involved with and change the world. Right now, I’m drifting. Like I have been for the past two years. I’ve had so many ups and for each one I thought that it would be different and I could keep up the spiritual high. But every time it’s failed. I’ve been through a lot of these dark moments like right now where I’m just a scared little girl calling out for God’s help. And after everyone I think that it’ll all be better. I’m just lying to myself. It’s not my family trapping me where I am. It’s me. And I’m kinda done with the world right now. Earlier today, I felt God. I was ready for Him to either take me into His will or take me up to heaven. I sat there waiting, but didn’t get an answer. I thought that I would receive it in a few hours or something. But really, I did get an answer. It was wait. But I don’t know what to do with that “wait”.
I think the main thing I’m scared of is that I’ll live my life and not have any impact. I’m scared that when I die people will say, “Well, Abby was a good girl. She seemed to be a strong Christian.” and then when they find out how tormented I was all my life, they’ll change their tone and instead be saying, “Wow, I didn’t know that Abby was so depressed and hopeless. She wasn’t really strong in Christ. I guess I didn’t really know the true Abby.” I think that’s what I’m truly scared of. Just now as my mom came in to check on me, I put on a smile, and acted like everything was okay. Well, now I’m sitting here with tears and worry in my eyes. I know God is out there, but I feel like He won’t get to me in time to save me and lift me up. I know it’s possible, but I don’t truly believe. I don’t know how to.