How many times have I turned one of God’s blessings into my worst nightmare? Or an accomplishment into guilt? I’ve done it a lot and I’m doing it right now. I’m living a nightmare because I’ve turned my life mediocre. The devil knows me well, but so does God. But here’s the back story of why I’m so afraid of having a mediocre life.
From the ages of about birth to thirteen, I lived an almost perfect life. Not that I was perfect, but my life had no problems, no worries, and no fear. I kind of went through life with hand-me-down faith. Basically, I went to church because my parents made me, I believed in Jesus because that’s what my family believed, and I read the Bible and prayed because my parents told me to or did it with me. If they had stopped doing all of that stuff, I might have asked about it, but never pushed to keep doing it. Thankfully that never happened. But I still lived my life in peace and happiness, never really thinking about God.
He noticed though. And He sent some unhappiness my way. My dad lost his job. I thought that my life might change drastically, but it never did. I lived the same way, ate the same way, acted the same way. It just became part of my life. After almost an entire year, God must have gotten a little tired of me not catching on. So He changed my life in a huge, unimaginable way. We moved. That surly rocked my world; and not in a good way. I shut down, went into myself, became depressed, and was basically lost to myself. That’s where I learned how to hide my feelings and become such a great actor. That’s where I started lying to myself. I never did anything harmful to myself (if depression is not self-made), but I definitely did not prosper. I started to hurt my soul.
One day though, my cup was filled to the brim with negative things and it exploded. I can remember it clearly. I was in the bathroom thinking to myself when I just cried out to God. The tears started falling and I was helpless before God. I gave everything up and since then I’ve progressed a lot on my Path to Christ, but I’m backtracking now, off the track and in the ditch. It’s not my love of Christ or any of my beliefs, but more so my relationship with God. I haven’t prayed or meditated in so long that I’ve found that I can’t meditate without getting distracted and I can’t pray without falling asleep. What conversation I can remember having with God. And now I know that He’s looking down from above and I’m causing Him tears of pain. Even now as I write this, I can’t conjure up a single tear, for I have hardened my soul in a way that I hate. My spirit and soul I have put into hibernation and I have thrown away the key to unlock the door. I know that God has a spare, but right now I’m basically avoiding Him. It’s starting to all sound like high school drama.
That’s where I am right now though. Struggling and slowly drowning as I sink deeper and deeper into myself. It’s all becoming a memory. A wish. A desire. I try to be strict with myself, and today it mostly worked, but I am afraid. I am scared. I feel alone. And I need help. I don’t know if this is a problem between just me and God, but I know that He sometimes uses others to do His will. So I write this up so that you can know of my struggles and if able, send up prayers. For together we are strong. We are a light that no one can darken. We are the children and soldiers of God. We are.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” – Proverbs 17:22