So, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before. I’m going to post what I wrote in my journal yesterday. My secret, nobody-reads-this-until-I’m-dead journal. I’m not sure why I’m doing this. Maybe because it’s so unsettling. Maybe I need answers. I’m sure some are going to read this and think I’m crazy and depressed. Some may read this and be sympathetic. But I don’t need your opinion. I think I need your help. If you can’t help, it’s alright. At least you’ll get to peek in the window of my life. So here it goes.
August 6, 2012
” … It was a really cool time because I felt hope. But that hope has waned. I can feel despair creeping like a black vine, covering my soul. The longing to leave Earth and take my place in heaven is stronger, but again I say, these are not suicidal thoughts. A bit depressing and hopeless. I would never dream of taking my life; the shame as I stood in front of my Father and told Him I had given up hope; it would be no worse. But how is it different as I despair on Earth? Is it because I do have hope somewhere deep inside of me? These cobwebs that grow as I sit in despair turn to ropes and are tightening. I know there is a shining sword somewhere that can cut me free, but I can’t find it. I know there is hope in this world, I just can’t feel it. I know there is love being poured onto me by others, but I can’t feel it. I know there is peace and joy, but I can’t feel it. I can feel despair and depression. I have strong faith in my God, but I can’t feel Him. I know that He is real and I know that there is hope in the future, but do I believe it? Down in my heart and my soul I feel that seed of doubt growing roots. As I dig deeper it tries harder to grow. I need to stop it. I can’t do it alone though. I can find happiness; laughter is my friend. But joy escapes my reach. What must I learn to have my desires? They will make my content I believe. What am I missing?”
So that was my story from yesterday. how I feel today, I’m not sure. Last night I really prayed to God and it helped a little. Right now I’m mostly confused. Just tired and confused. If you know anything, Bible verse, song, quote, that could be inspirational, I think I need something like that. A comment or email could brighten my day. I don’t know … maybe no one will help. At least I got it out there. I think I do have a little bit of hope. I just don’t believe I have it. I thought I had gotten rid of the doubt. But it had just put on another disguise.