I discovered something new about myself today. I discovered that I like to make faces at myself in the mirror. I’m sure a lot of people do the same thing, but I thought it was something worth sharing. The interesting part is how I discovered this.
So right now, I’m super tense/nervous/worried about tomorrow. See, I’m starting my first day of work at a church camp that I really, really don’t like. It’s not exactly the work I don’t like, but a few certain administrative leaders are quite daunting and intimidating to me. During training their attitude could change in a heartbeat, smiling and laughing one moment and yelling the next. I’ve been told by many people that I trust not to worry, and I’ve tried to give it up to God, but the worry and anxiety just won’t go away.
So that’s where the making-faces-at-myself part comes in. I was about to take a shower when I glanced in the mirror and caught my worried expression on my face. Of course, having the heart of a child inside, I scrunched up my forehead and opened my eyes really wide and made a big frowny face. Well, after that, I had to make a smiley face to counteract the sad face. And I just kept going and going. Afterwards, I felt better. Lighter. It’s amazing how something so small and pointless can lift the spirit.
But the big question is, Why do I fear these people so much? Sure, I’m afraid I’ll mess up, but I seriously doubt that they’ll fire me for my small mistakes. So that’s not the problem. Disappointing them? Maybe. I think I’m more worried about getting through the day than trying not to disappoint them. I think the reason I fear them is the same reason I sort of feared my old piano teacher. It’s the way they made me feel. The story of my piano teacher is long, but basically I was never good enough, she always had a sour word, and she actually was a big part in what I think was a time of depression for me. I was down, worried, always trying not to cry when I left the lessons. It wasn’t a good time. I hated and feared going to those piano lessons because I knew that I would only be brought down by my teacher. I think that’s why I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow. I don’t like the environment because there’s nothing positive there. Even though it’s at my church. I don’t feel encouraged. I feel afraid.
So how should I let that fear go? As I already stated, I’ve tried talking to other people and God too, but I just can’t let it go. And I can’t go around making faces at myself all day. This subject has brought to mind one of the questions I had a while back that never got answered. I know God is always with me, but is He always on my side? If so, and if He is on an opposing person’s side, how do you settle the argument? Both the administrative and I are Christians and we’re both working for this church camp, so who is in the right and who is wrong? I know that we Christians can be wrong, but I just don’t know what to make of this. I’m so confused. I’m going to pray really hard tonight and tomorrow that my first day will go well. Other prayers would certainly help too. I’m about to go face a fear and I hope that I can overcome it.