I’ve been lying to myself for a long time. When I first started this blog and began to write about my feelings, I thought to myself, I’m not really that bad. I’m just exaggerating to get the point across. Well, that was a big lie. I’ve kept that lie for a long time. Not admitting that I’m not always driving straight on the road to God. Every time I tried to even consider that possibility, my worldly conscious would drive the thought away.
I’m still lying to myself right now. I still don’t truly believe that I’m lying to myself. Lying about lying. It’s a big thing to tell yourself. I mean, it’s hard to lie to yourself, but once you do, you’ve changed your belief. And it’s hard to change your belief back. I know deep down that I’m lying to myself (obviously since I’m writing this post), but I don’t believe it past my heart. About the exaggerating part, I do do that a wee wee bit, but let me tell you, nothing I say is far from the truth. I’m seriously telling everyone who reads this blog how bad I am. Everyone else probably believes it. Everyone except me.
Today, my friend said something to me that kind of struck me. We were playing a game and I was trying to bluff, but then she said, “You know what Abby, you’re really bad at lying.” I smiled and replied, “That’s because I never practice.” Well, I’m really bad at lying to other people because of lack of practice, but I’m really good at lying to myself because I do it each day. How do I stop lying to myself?
Proverbs 26:28 says, “A lying tongue hates those it hurts.” Do I hate myself? It’s not my tongue telling me lies, it’s my brain, but it’s kind of the same difference. Do I secretly hate myself? That sounds kind of ridiculous. But how far off from the truth is it? That’s one of the things I don’t know.