A question I often ask. Why do sometimes I feel God near me, and sometimes I don’t? Why do I feel like something is missing in my life? Why is my life so confusing? The answer to all of those question is: me. I’m the one that draws away from God. I’m the one that ignores Him and tries to fill my life up with other stuff. I’m the one that makes it so confusing.

When I first began Richard J. Foster’s book, Celebration of Discipline, I practiced meditation and prayer and study. But now that I’m done, I’ve stopped doing them so often. During those times, I felt the closest to God that I ever have. I felt that I was beginning to know His will. I could feel the big plans that He had for me. I knew I was special in His eyes. But then I stopped. Why did I stop? I became lazy and tired. I convinced myself that I could continue walking constantly with God without doing the disciplines. I was wrong. I convinced myself that I didn’t have enough time. Ha. What a lie. I’ve also often felt that I don’t have joy in my life. Well, it says repeatedly in the Bible and in Foster’s book that through the disciplines I can find joy. I did find joy when I was doing them. I lost it when I stopped.

When I moved, I discovered that I had a huge hole in me. I was depressed and life just wasn’t going well. But I opened up and listened for God, who had been calling my name for a long time. He came in and filled me up. I was complete and whole with Him. Then, I became focused on the world again. I lost Him. I lied to myself and told myself that I still had Him, He was still with me. He always is, but I lost my personnel relationship with Him when I pushed Him out of the focus of my life. The hole came back. I’ve been ignoring it, but lately I’ve been trying to bring Him back and refocus on Him. It hasn’t been easy. With my big pride, which I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t want to tell myself that I had let God down and I was the one that pushed Him out. It’s still hard for me to say it, but I did.

The reason for my life being so confusing goes hand in hand with the hole in my life. I started focusing on others things in my life instead of God. Things like boys, school, sleep, and friends. I tried to take control of my life and it didn’t work. It still isn’t working. But I know if I give it all up to God, He can make it straight. Satan doesn’t want control of my life, he wants me take control of my life. I can probably wreck as much havoc as he could. Giving it all up to God, I’m giving it all up to the one who made it and rules over it. He can do anything. He can do something with it and use my life for His will and mighty plan. Sacrificing my small life could save the world.

My life is so small, but I’m sure it still irks God when I walk away from Him. Actually it probably does more than that. It’s like a child leaving their parents. Or a faithful dog leaving it’s owner. It’s just heartwrenching. That’s what I did to God. How could I have done that? Why? I really don’t understand why I do it. And that’s not good. But, by returning to God, I can figure out how to not let it happen again. I’m going to do that. My life will turn out so much better with God in control.


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