Roller Coaster Faith

I’ve been asked about four times in the past few months if I have a boyfriend yet. I was asked twice by girls that I babysit (one asked if I knew who I was going to marry), once by a relative, and at least once by someone else. The answer is: no. Like most girls my age, I do have someone I like, but no guy has seriously entered my life. And even with that one person in mind, am I really striving for a relationship? No, not really. One guy “obsession” I had a few months ago clouded my relationship with God. All of my thoughts were focused on this one guy instead of God. Once I realized that, I put up a shield and redirected my attention back to God. My memory verse became Philippians 3:8-9 (I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Jesus Christ my LORD, and become one with Him.) I tried to make that verse the focus of my life. And it wasn’t just boys that distracted me. Eating and sleeping were also a main focus of my life. I was constantly eating junk food and then sleeping it off. But I began to feel this hole in my life. Like I was supposed to be doing something, but I didn’t know what. So, I studied. I looked through my Bible and really focused on that verse and tried to find different meanings within.

One of the things that stuck out to me in the beginning of the verse were the words discarded and garbage. My mom used to do a spring clean at our house and I would have to discard some of my beloved toys. This isn’t the type of discarding that the Bible is talking about. I’m supposed to discard the things from my life by comparing it to what lays after death and seeing that it doesn’t really matter. Worldly matters are worthless or garbage compared to the gifts and blessings I receive with Christ. So when I discard something, it is because it is no longer meaningful in my life or walk with Christ. It might be special or something I like, but will it travel with me into Heaven? No.

When I think of becoming one with someone, I think of marriage. That is when supposedly two people become one flesh. But I think this type of togetherness isn’t of the flesh or even thoughts and needs, but of wills. God has a complex plan that I’m taking part of, even if I didn’t want to. To become one with God is to accept His will by allowing Him to take control of your life and open your eyes to how He is working and how His plan is or will benefit others. Once I realized that and saw where God was taking me, I couldn’t wait to do my part. I was filled with this fire that made me want to go and go and go. But God wanted me to wait. I am a person that has these burning moments when I’ve got ideas and plans and I just want to get started. God’s trying to teach me still today that I need to balance my life so that my faith doesn’t roller coaster up and down as I feel the fire one day and feel sort of empty the next. I need to find a way to incorporate God every second of my day. Once I balance and learn and grow by gaining patience and focusing on my faith, I think it is then that He will start using me to affect others.

Right now I’m a rolling boulder; I’m not collecting any moss. I’m trying to charge through life without learning from my experiences. God’s slowed me down and teaching me to level out the bumps in my faith. When I’m ready He’ll work through me.


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